Blog — "daily life"
Respect is a Two Way Street
Heidi a few things daily life love
As a recently married gal who has been in the same relationship for nearly ten years, I have been more aware of blog posts and articles about the subject of marriage. They fascinate me mostly because I just simply can't relate to them. Many bloggers confess to marriage being the hardest thing they have ever endured, that marriage takes hard work, and that they are so thankful to have made it as...
Respect is a Two Way Street
Heidi Shenk "a few things" "daily life" "love"
As a recently married gal who has been in the same relationship for nearly ten years, I have been more aware of blog posts and articles about the subject of marriage. They fascinate me mostly because I just simply can't relate to them. Many bloggers confess to marriage being the hardest thing they have ever endured, that marriage takes hard work, and that they are so thankful to have made it as far as they have. I have been inundated with posts like these as of late, but they leave me wondering what I'm missing. I'm just not quite getting what makes marriage so difficult.
Maybe Andrew and I have it good. Maybe we're just that compatible, or we just have a knack to working well together, or respecting others, or communicating, or what have you, without even thinking about it. I not sure really what it is, but I guess I just don't see it as hard work. If you love and respect someone and that is a mutual thing, then I think it just comes easily. That is not to say that we've never had arguments about anything, but I just can't ever remember a time when I felt at my wits end over our relationship as so many others have confessed.
This weekend, after already reading a plethora of these articles on how to keep a marriage together, I happened upon another article dealing with marriage that I simply couldn't leave on the back burner. This time, my cousin had fueled the fire with a post on facebook sharing this article about 25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Husband. As a married male, he was posting the article in a WTF?! kind of way and even stated something to the effect of "respect is a two way street."
I was curious, so I began reading the article. As I began reading, I realized that it was a list of ways in which the woman must act only for the husband in a relationship-- to me, this was not a list of ways to maintain a healthy relationship. I got as far as number 11, "Eyes Only For Him," before I felt like I was going to lose my lunch and had to stop reading. Was this truly a woman writing this article?! And how could she possibly feel that thinking only of meeting her husbands needs and catering to his beck and call is a healthy relationship?! What about her needs? About what makes her happy? Is there no mutual respect?
While I suppose there is some small amount of merit to a few of these points if taken on a mutual level, I just couldn't get past how archaic a large majority of her points were. I was angered that she suggested that women must reciprocate whenever their husband is in the mood for sex. Outraged at the fact she believed women should dress only to please their husbands. Horrified by the many points she makes in which the wife should not speak her mind, make decisions, or question decisions made by the husband. Disgusted by her insinuation that women should be the only one responsible for a clean house and food on the table.
This is submission.
Submission and choosing to accept that men are more powerful and mean more than the woman in a relationship. That women are less than. That women should not be honored and respected in the same way. It is antiquated thinking that I just can't wrap my head around or deem as acceptable in our modern society. Women have worked far too hard to make it to the point at which we are in the world today, and this article felt like a slap in the face, a step backward from the freedoms and equalities that have been accomplished thus far.
Power is a frightening thing. When one has a sense of power, they will most likely do things that they may otherwise not have thought to do. And when there is no longer a balance of power in a relationship and we give power to only one side, it is no longer healthy. Both sides of a relationship should be equal, and to disrupt that equality to create a system of subservience versus power, changes the way people view each other and respect each other. While, the author of the article may find that a woman should do these things to show respect, what she hasn't considered is the way in which she is disrespecting herself in return. And above all, if we don't respect ourselves, living a fulfilling life is much harder to do.
After mentioning the article to Andrew, I finally mustered the courage to finish reading it in its full length. I read the article aloud to Andrew as we drove home from our weekend grocery trip. "What is this?! What kind of man treats his wife like that or expects those things from her?!" he exclaimed. And then it hit me. Maybe that is why marriage is so easy-- because we take our relationship as a two way street. We respect each other equally, allow the other person to be who they are, and hold no impossible expectations over the other's head. And to me, that mutual respect is truly what love and relationships are all about.
Maybe Andrew and I have it good. Maybe we're just that compatible, or we just have a knack to working well together, or respecting others, or communicating, or what have you, without even thinking about it. I not sure really what it is, but I guess I just don't see it as hard work. If you love and respect someone and that is a mutual thing, then I think it just comes easily. That is not to say that we've never had arguments about anything, but I just can't ever remember a time when I felt at my wits end over our relationship as so many others have confessed.
This weekend, after already reading a plethora of these articles on how to keep a marriage together, I happened upon another article dealing with marriage that I simply couldn't leave on the back burner. This time, my cousin had fueled the fire with a post on facebook sharing this article about 25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Husband. As a married male, he was posting the article in a WTF?! kind of way and even stated something to the effect of "respect is a two way street."
I was curious, so I began reading the article. As I began reading, I realized that it was a list of ways in which the woman must act only for the husband in a relationship-- to me, this was not a list of ways to maintain a healthy relationship. I got as far as number 11, "Eyes Only For Him," before I felt like I was going to lose my lunch and had to stop reading. Was this truly a woman writing this article?! And how could she possibly feel that thinking only of meeting her husbands needs and catering to his beck and call is a healthy relationship?! What about her needs? About what makes her happy? Is there no mutual respect?
While I suppose there is some small amount of merit to a few of these points if taken on a mutual level, I just couldn't get past how archaic a large majority of her points were. I was angered that she suggested that women must reciprocate whenever their husband is in the mood for sex. Outraged at the fact she believed women should dress only to please their husbands. Horrified by the many points she makes in which the wife should not speak her mind, make decisions, or question decisions made by the husband. Disgusted by her insinuation that women should be the only one responsible for a clean house and food on the table.
This is submission.
Submission and choosing to accept that men are more powerful and mean more than the woman in a relationship. That women are less than. That women should not be honored and respected in the same way. It is antiquated thinking that I just can't wrap my head around or deem as acceptable in our modern society. Women have worked far too hard to make it to the point at which we are in the world today, and this article felt like a slap in the face, a step backward from the freedoms and equalities that have been accomplished thus far.
Power is a frightening thing. When one has a sense of power, they will most likely do things that they may otherwise not have thought to do. And when there is no longer a balance of power in a relationship and we give power to only one side, it is no longer healthy. Both sides of a relationship should be equal, and to disrupt that equality to create a system of subservience versus power, changes the way people view each other and respect each other. While, the author of the article may find that a woman should do these things to show respect, what she hasn't considered is the way in which she is disrespecting herself in return. And above all, if we don't respect ourselves, living a fulfilling life is much harder to do.
After mentioning the article to Andrew, I finally mustered the courage to finish reading it in its full length. I read the article aloud to Andrew as we drove home from our weekend grocery trip. "What is this?! What kind of man treats his wife like that or expects those things from her?!" he exclaimed. And then it hit me. Maybe that is why marriage is so easy-- because we take our relationship as a two way street. We respect each other equally, allow the other person to be who they are, and hold no impossible expectations over the other's head. And to me, that mutual respect is truly what love and relationships are all about.
Being Late, Being Too Busy, Or Being 'Cool'?
Heidi Shenk "daily life"
In the last few days, this article about being late, from Greg Savage on the Huffington Post blog, has made the rounds on social media almost everywhere I have looked. The question at hand as made obvious by the headline-- How did it get to be 'ok' for people to be late for everything?
Savage hits the nail on the head with something that I have noticed with growing annoyance. People showing up half an hour late for meetings, friends always running behind for a dinner meetup while I'm sitting solo at the bar waiting for them, and having to purposely schedule dinner parties to start a bit early, knowing that the guests won't arrive on time. Am I guilty of some of these things too? Absolutely, but I don't make a habit out of it, nor do I continue on without apologizing first. And, in most instances, I strive to be a few minutes early because the thought of being late induces incredibly anxieties.
While Savage discusses the routine lateness as being rude, he doesn't delve much deeper into the reasoning as to why this is a growing trend. I stopped to think about why this might be, and thought about the instances in which I was late. In the past couple years, I would say that the majority of my lateness occurred with weekend plans with the same couple that are good friends of ours. Unfortunately, and horrifyingly, the lateness always occurred with them. It had nothing to do with them as people (we love hanging out with them!), but all about the events leading up to whatever it was that we were doing with them.
I have found that in instances of recent lateness, our schedule for the day was so full of things that we thought we could (or rather Andrew thought he could) fit into one day, but in reality was just too much. I'm not one to try to fit everything in. It's too hectic and intense for the introvert in me. Andrew, on the other hand, is like a motor that doesn't stop. If he has an idea, he'll add it to the list of things to do, or start in on it because he thinks he can squeeze it in before we leave.
In our last instance of lateness, were were 45 minutes late to the aforementioned friends' house because an hour before we were supposed to leave, Andrew started waxing his car. He thought he would get it finished in an hour despite my suggestions for him to save it for another day. As we hopped into a freshly waxed car, 25 minutes after the time we were supposed to have arrived, I remember saying over and over again, "I can't believe we're going to be so late! I hate being late!"
This makes me wonder, is our lateness due to the fact that we are leading lives that are too busy? Should we be taking this lateness trend as a sign to slow down? What if we just got rid of one or two things a day in our busy schedule to be done at a later date? What if we said no sometimes instead of yes?
Thinking from the other side of the fence, I have been in the shoes of those who are waiting for late friends or colleagues. Some are apologetic and sincere, and others come racing in, smart phone in hand, and a quick "Oh my god, I am just so busy these days!" which is their sort of version of an apology.
For the latter, I think being late is cool. You're cool when you're late because it shows that you are busy. If you're busy, then you must be super duper cool because all of those people and places need you. This, I think, may be one of the greatest reasons for lateness being "ok." It is almost like common knowledge these days that the "it" people are just simply so awesome that they are always busy and because they are so awesome that makes it ok.
When did the number of activities, meetings, events, dates, and all of those wonderful things bring about a social status that makes one friend better than the other? And when did the busy lifestyle trump being on time and respecting the time of others?
In general, Savage's article really provoked a new idea of living a happy lifestyle. It made me embrace the fact that I like slowing down, and that in a society where we stress to live every day to the fullest, maybe we have gotten carried away by our daily lives a little too much. When I think about my day to day life, I'd rather spend an hour at lunch with a friend, arriving on time, rather than dealing with the stress of trying to cram one more thing in beforehand, in hopes that I'll save time later. The reality is, slowing down and taking a breather just might make us all a little happier, especially if that means being on time becomes the new cool.
How do you feel about people being late? What are your reasons for being late? Do you think we should all slow down too?
Savage hits the nail on the head with something that I have noticed with growing annoyance. People showing up half an hour late for meetings, friends always running behind for a dinner meetup while I'm sitting solo at the bar waiting for them, and having to purposely schedule dinner parties to start a bit early, knowing that the guests won't arrive on time. Am I guilty of some of these things too? Absolutely, but I don't make a habit out of it, nor do I continue on without apologizing first. And, in most instances, I strive to be a few minutes early because the thought of being late induces incredibly anxieties.
While Savage discusses the routine lateness as being rude, he doesn't delve much deeper into the reasoning as to why this is a growing trend. I stopped to think about why this might be, and thought about the instances in which I was late. In the past couple years, I would say that the majority of my lateness occurred with weekend plans with the same couple that are good friends of ours. Unfortunately, and horrifyingly, the lateness always occurred with them. It had nothing to do with them as people (we love hanging out with them!), but all about the events leading up to whatever it was that we were doing with them.
 |
| via Hairbrained Schemes |
I have found that in instances of recent lateness, our schedule for the day was so full of things that we thought we could (or rather Andrew thought he could) fit into one day, but in reality was just too much. I'm not one to try to fit everything in. It's too hectic and intense for the introvert in me. Andrew, on the other hand, is like a motor that doesn't stop. If he has an idea, he'll add it to the list of things to do, or start in on it because he thinks he can squeeze it in before we leave.
In our last instance of lateness, were were 45 minutes late to the aforementioned friends' house because an hour before we were supposed to leave, Andrew started waxing his car. He thought he would get it finished in an hour despite my suggestions for him to save it for another day. As we hopped into a freshly waxed car, 25 minutes after the time we were supposed to have arrived, I remember saying over and over again, "I can't believe we're going to be so late! I hate being late!"
This makes me wonder, is our lateness due to the fact that we are leading lives that are too busy? Should we be taking this lateness trend as a sign to slow down? What if we just got rid of one or two things a day in our busy schedule to be done at a later date? What if we said no sometimes instead of yes?
Thinking from the other side of the fence, I have been in the shoes of those who are waiting for late friends or colleagues. Some are apologetic and sincere, and others come racing in, smart phone in hand, and a quick "Oh my god, I am just so busy these days!" which is their sort of version of an apology.
For the latter, I think being late is cool. You're cool when you're late because it shows that you are busy. If you're busy, then you must be super duper cool because all of those people and places need you. This, I think, may be one of the greatest reasons for lateness being "ok." It is almost like common knowledge these days that the "it" people are just simply so awesome that they are always busy and because they are so awesome that makes it ok.
When did the number of activities, meetings, events, dates, and all of those wonderful things bring about a social status that makes one friend better than the other? And when did the busy lifestyle trump being on time and respecting the time of others?
 |
| via minthouse |
How do you feel about people being late? What are your reasons for being late? Do you think we should all slow down too?
Perspective
Heidi Shenk "Australia" "daily life" "travel"
After leaving you with a rather dark post for about three weeks, I am finally back. We returned from Australia on Saturday afternoon after an incredible and epic adventure.
During our first few days in Sydney, Andrew seemed slightly annoyed with how things worked. These people are crazy! or This country is ass backwards! he'd interject when he had forgotten to look right before crossing, or when I failed to tell him to order a long black instead of a black coffee, or when he realized there is no such thing as a one cent piece in Australia, or when a group of men in their mid-twenties began singing Advance Australian Fair as loud as they could on the metro.
As our trip continued, we reached the red center of Australia and spent a day hiking around Uluru, a massive rock structure that jolts out of red earth sand dunes. We thought about the Anangu people that still live in the region and how they live off of this land despite its harsh conditions. Not a cloud in the sky, not a bit of humidity, not a trickle of water, and spring temperatures of 90 degrees and even hotter in the sun.
It was humbling. It was perspective.
That perspective is what continued to grow as our adventures unfolded. I was reminded of the passion that Australians have for life, and Andrew was exposed to that passion for the first time. Slowly his These people are crazy! comments became These people know how to live! or This country is doing things right! or Why can't Americans be so excited about the simplest things in life?
We noticed a lack of unsmiling people, a lack of overweight or unhealthy people, a lack of rude behavior, a lack of poor service in restaurants, bars, and stores, a lack of negativity, a lack of disrespect for their environment. And the more we noticed that these thing were lacking, we realized perhaps that's actually how life should be. To think of something as lacking is to think that it is not complete, but to be happy, healthy, friendly, hard working, positive, and environmentally conscious is not to lack, but to gain something in life.
Things we often save for vacation or rare occasions only were things people were doing on a daily basis. I'm not talking about things that require spending money because we tend to be tight-budgeted travelers, but I'm talking about soaking in the daily life. They were living life to the fullest in their own cities, towns, and villages. They didn't care what people thought about them if they were doing what made them happy and weren't harming anyone else.
That's perspective.
When we travel, Andrew and I often ask each other at the end of the day, What was your favorite thing about today? On Sunday, our first full day back in Baltimore, we did the normal things we usually do-- go to the coffee shop, watch football at Max's, do laundry, go to the grocery store. But we did things differently and pretended we were still on vacation. We biked to to the coffee shop and bar so that we could enjoy being outdoors as long as possible. Instead of stressing out at the grocery store like I usually do, I made a conscious choice to make it fun even if other people thought we were crazy. We decided to enjoy each aspect of the day, just like we would do on vacation.
When we sat down to eat dinner, Andrew looked up from his plate and asked, What was your favorite thing about today? I chose the bike ride in the beautiful September weather. Andrew chose a Browns victory just slightly more over the bike ride. And then we decided that from here on out, we're going to live like we're on vacation.
Courthouse Wedding
Heidi Shenk "daily life" "wedding"
I've been a really bad blogger, but I don't really care. Sometimes the pressures of keeping up with this are more than I feel like dealing with (more on that soon, I hope!) and it's more fun to do other things instead. However, I thought that I should probably share with you all a pretty important event that just happened. This Tuesday, as in three days ago, we got married!
For me, it seems rather silly to make a big deal about it. Andrew and I have been together for about nine years, have owned a house together for three, and have lived together for six. To be honest, the only notable difference in how things are for us post wedding is the fact that we both have wedding bands. Other than that, I'm pretty sure it's safe to say we both feel the same way we did a week ago, a month ago, or even a few years ago. I would assume that's probably a good sign, right?
Either way, we had a short and sweet, ceremony at the Circuit Court of Baltimore City that included the two of us and our good friend Marshall as our witness and photographer. The ceremony itself lasted probably all but three minutes. We waited in the the marriage licensing office prior to heading to the civil marriages room longer that our ceremony took, and I'm quite fine with that!
Highlights from the day included the random congratulations we received from all sorts of people when we came out of the courthouse-- businessmen and addicts alike. Apparently no matter what situation people are currently at in their lives, they still believe in and are happy about love.
After our ceremony, we headed to Fells Point to one of our favorite pubs, Koopers, where we had a few beers and enjoyed some crab dip. Probably about five years ago, Andrew made a fake proposal when we were having dinner at Koopers and not so seriously chatting about the future. I even suggested that I should wear a twisty tie on my ring finger from that moment forward. As we enjoyed our beers, we realized that we had come full circle, sitting at Koopers yet again.
We then went home and took naps. Yup. We're awesome like that. Who doesn't want to take a late afternoon nap in a chair in the living room on their wedding day? After waking up from the nap, we just looked at each other, laughed, and said, "Now what?"
We had late dinner reservations at our favorite restaurant, Woodberry Kitchen. We dressed back up in our outfits for the day and headed out to dinner after a brief prom-like photo shoot that involved our neighbors and a whole lot of joking and laughing. Then it was off to dinner-- a two and a half hour event that involved some of the most amazing food. Naturally, the night ended with us passing out on our couch and sofa chair in the basement in a complete food coma. Now if that isn't a low-key day, then I don't know what is. And after all is said and done, I can't even fathom how anyone would even want to subject themselves to the stress of planning a bigger event than a courthouse wedding.
For me, it seems rather silly to make a big deal about it. Andrew and I have been together for about nine years, have owned a house together for three, and have lived together for six. To be honest, the only notable difference in how things are for us post wedding is the fact that we both have wedding bands. Other than that, I'm pretty sure it's safe to say we both feel the same way we did a week ago, a month ago, or even a few years ago. I would assume that's probably a good sign, right?
Either way, we had a short and sweet, ceremony at the Circuit Court of Baltimore City that included the two of us and our good friend Marshall as our witness and photographer. The ceremony itself lasted probably all but three minutes. We waited in the the marriage licensing office prior to heading to the civil marriages room longer that our ceremony took, and I'm quite fine with that!
Highlights from the day included the random congratulations we received from all sorts of people when we came out of the courthouse-- businessmen and addicts alike. Apparently no matter what situation people are currently at in their lives, they still believe in and are happy about love.
After our ceremony, we headed to Fells Point to one of our favorite pubs, Koopers, where we had a few beers and enjoyed some crab dip. Probably about five years ago, Andrew made a fake proposal when we were having dinner at Koopers and not so seriously chatting about the future. I even suggested that I should wear a twisty tie on my ring finger from that moment forward. As we enjoyed our beers, we realized that we had come full circle, sitting at Koopers yet again.
We then went home and took naps. Yup. We're awesome like that. Who doesn't want to take a late afternoon nap in a chair in the living room on their wedding day? After waking up from the nap, we just looked at each other, laughed, and said, "Now what?"
We had late dinner reservations at our favorite restaurant, Woodberry Kitchen. We dressed back up in our outfits for the day and headed out to dinner after a brief prom-like photo shoot that involved our neighbors and a whole lot of joking and laughing. Then it was off to dinner-- a two and a half hour event that involved some of the most amazing food. Naturally, the night ended with us passing out on our couch and sofa chair in the basement in a complete food coma. Now if that isn't a low-key day, then I don't know what is. And after all is said and done, I can't even fathom how anyone would even want to subject themselves to the stress of planning a bigger event than a courthouse wedding.